i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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