Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Enjoy the penises
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
