just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
