Your mouth is God's brothel.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
