I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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