We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
