he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
