i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
