batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
