its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
