Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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