I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
