The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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