Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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