Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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