I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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