Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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