She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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