can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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