Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
