you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
