When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
