No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
