He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
