God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
