u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Alive.
So much puke
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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