Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Come on in and take your pants off
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