I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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