My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
