i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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