I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
