super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
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I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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