Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I did not marry a roomba.
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