sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
