You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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