last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just high enough for therapy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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