I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
