I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
