When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
