he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
