i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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