Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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