I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
