Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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