4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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