I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
