We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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