My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
