I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
