he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
