i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
