He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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