My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
